The Mist (2007) Dir Frank Darabont

PLENTY OF SPOILERS AS ALWAYS –
I RECOMMEND SEEING THIS AS SOON AS YOU CAN!

If you go down to the shops today…

It’s amazing that this well-made and genuinely horrific horror flick has only just been granted a UK cinema release. I actually watched this on DVD in the States about a month ago. Now that it’s writhed its way onto the big screen over here, it seems an appropriate time to post the review. The TV I watched it on was about the size of a football field, so I don’t think my experience of it is going to be all that different from anyone’s in the UK!

So, here goes. First of all – let’s recognise Frank Darabont as one of the few directors who can pull off a good Stephen King movie adaptation. This could be because he sticks to the short stories, or the ones with the more down to earth aspects (Green Mile, Shawshank Redemption) and he’s got a gift with characterisation. He also, crucially, trusts the material – but makes smart changes where required.

Marcia Gay Harden as Mrs Carmody, the town’s religious kook,
who transitions from hilarious to terrifying as horrific events unfold.

In The Mist, we see some of Stephen King’s trademarks. Following a massive storm, a Small Isolated Town™ is overwhelmed by a creeping Mist (well, what else…) and the people who go shopping in the local store get a nasty shock as various deadly things within the Mist begin to pick them off. All that stands between the terrified locals and a gruesome death is the supermarket’s big glass window. Eeep.

Surviving small town life…

Mainly we follow family man David Drayton (hooray, Thomas Jane!) who wants to protect his young son (the kid is mercifully free of Christ-like tendencies or psychic powers, unusually for King movies). Although initially the danger comes from the monsters outside, a far scarier religious mania gradually seizes the bunch of desperate survivors. The local religious nut, Mrs Carmody (brilliantly and ambiguously played by Marcia Gay Harden) is more than happy to help turn the situation into something even deadlier. You might be wondering why they don’t just bonk her on the head halfway through!

David Drayton (Thomas Jane) tries to protect his young son, who seems to have dodged both ‘annoying’ and ‘psychic power’ clichés that Stephen King adaptations tend to attract…

Darabont milks the claustrophobia to brilliant effect, and you’ll be annoyed by how much it matters to you when characters get picked off. This could be due to most of the actors being halfway familiar, even if you can’t quite place them at the time. I guess the important word here is ACTORS; these aren’t bland movie stars or big-boobed screaming teenagers! You’ll even care for General Mancheck (Andre Braugher)! Playing a sympathetic lawyer (major achievement) he really proves he’s more than just a mini-series staple. Another familiar face, Laurie Holden, takes a break from surviving another mist-swathed mountain town in Silent Hill. (Yes, ok, it was actually ASH in Silent Hill but I bet the CGI was the same….). There’s also the store manager, Ollie Weeks (Toby Jones) who displays considerable resourcefulness and puts his intimate knowledge of aisle 3 to good use.

This is a refreshingly unsentimental adaptation, easily reaching the heights of Misery and touching on the Shining’s boots with its pure understanding of horror and suspense. It also has some of the best monsters since Pan’s Labyrinth – only these are far more vicious and truly terrifying Lovecraftian beasties that seem entirely made of teeth, tentacle and nightmare. Even if a gigantic one at the end resembles the Cloverfield beastie.

Don’t go into the Mist! The last few survivors run for their lives…

I warned you about the spoilers, right? Well, I’m still not going to ruin it for you. This has a sucker-punch ending, sure to provoke a vast amount of swearing at the screen. It’s also different from the original short story – another example of those ‘smart changes’. And you will either love it or loathe it. I think the nearest film I can compare it to is Frailty – which also left you pondering the cosy certainties about good, evil, and free will in general.

I’d been looking forward to seeing this adaptation, and it lived up to my expectations about it, whilst being even tougher and more interesting! It’s very good to see this getting to the UK and it deserves a decent word of mouth.

A highly recommended horror film which takes no prisoners!

No, I really think it’s gonna eat him…

Sex and the City (2008) Dir Michael Patrick King

SPOILER WARNING!
FOR THE TEN WOMEN OUT THERE WHO HAVEN’T SEEN THIS YET…

AKA Love, Marriage and a frickin’ huuuuuge closet….

It was a sad day for fashion magazine editors when HBO’s glossiest series hung up its Manolos in 2004. Carrie (Sarah Jessica Parker), Charlotte (Kristen Davis), Miranda (Cynthia Nixon) and even the unstoppable Samantha (Kim Cattrall) all found love and settled down. After six seasons, it was over, and fashion magazines could no longer look to the show for what to make their essential style each year. Although toothless, the final SATC episode felt like a warm goodbye hug and a suitable end to the fairytale.

In case you’re new to this (L-R): Charlotte, Samantha, Carrie, & Miranda

But that was 2004. In the 4 years between then and now, Kristen Davis has been flogging Head and Shoulders, Cynthia Nixon has appeared in ER and some other things I’ve never seen, Kim Cattrall released a sex book and oozed over Tetley Tea. Meanwhile, Sarah Jessica Parker released some dull perfumes and appeared in movies with Matt McConaughey.

So, for reasons not immediately clear (caaaaaash), they reformed and decided to be this year’s Devil Wears Prada. Which was 2006’s Sex and the City replacement. Anyway, they came back. Suddenly, the magazine world was desperate to know what the four women would be wearing, and several scary pictures were released. Also, rumours were flying that someone would be killed off! (My money was on Harry, Charlotte’s husband). Huge changes would be happening! Big weddings and big fireworks! Event of the year!!!

You get the idea.

So, after a whole month of the film being out, and only skim-reading the Wikipedia entry, I actually managed to see this new instalment in the lives of four New York women. Was it worth it?

Well, first of all, nobody dies – overall the scriptwriter could do with shooting, but apart from that, no, no one buys it. With that out of the way, I can’t help but wonder (mwhahaha, see, I’m like Carrie!) what was the point of this movie?

It’s odd seeing them all together again, just like it was odd seeing Harrison Ford as Indy again. Everyone is a little glossier, each character a little less real. There’s far more designer label name-checking – similar to how the final couple seasons felt like a laboured love-in. And they seem to have misplaced the coolness from when it all began.

Older – wiser? The SATC ladies share a laugh

Whereas the series used to be about ‘monster of the week’ relationship themes and unusual sexual practices, the film completely smoothes any edges the show ever had, and the characters mostly perform U-turns in their lives.

Carrie’s in a relationship with Big, nearly gets married to Big, then he dumps her at the altar, she goes brunette for a while, then she eventually gets Big back and stays in a (not married) relationship with him. He did buy her a gigantic closet, after all.

Carrie was almost eaten by a triffid… (now THAT’s the movie I wanna see… Similarly, I would’ve given anything to seem the SATC cast in Cloverfield. Seriously).

Similarly, Miranda is married to Steve, has no sex with Steve, Steve cheats on her, she stays away from Steve, and then gets back with Steve. Which is nice, but we’re not given any other side of the story – under what circumnstances did Steve cheat? Why did he even tell her? Isn’t that totally UNLIKE Steve’s character? Why did Miranda forget to even book a wax, revealing acres of scary ginger fem-pubes at the beach?

And Charlotte miraculously gets pregnant. Which is nice. And gives birth. And has become even more crazy than she used to be, bringing her own pudding to a 5-Star Mexican resort because she won’t eat any of the food, and pooping her pants after a sip of Mexican water. Nice for the Mexican tourist board…

Only Samantha makes a real life change from the end of the show, dumping the hunk who stayed with her through her chemo and who, it seemed, had contributed to getting her more than ‘Samantha gets fucked’ storylines every week. She spends the whole film having no sex at all, which is actually pretty weird.

The wedding where there’s no wedding. Great dresses though…

I wanted to like this, as I really enjoyed the silliness and escapism of the original show. We got to know the four characters over the six years, watching their cynicism gradually get crushed by character development. It got girlier – not a bad thing in some ways – and Carrie’s friends quickly became more likeable and interesting as things went on.

However, the movie version feels rushed and synthetic. This was more like a big ol’ lump of Sex and the City, and it tied things up very quickly and left me feeling pretty hollow. Of course it looks gorgeous. It just lacked the naughty glee of the first few seasons, and the main characters ploughed through their lives like they would in any rom-com – by NOT talking to the people they needed to sort things out with. They only discussed it with each other, and talked, and talked…

This is why despite it being rushed, it also feels overlong. At 2 ½ hours, you dearly want to spend time with someone other than Carrie – who is still the most self-obsessed and judgemental character on the planet (and at one point needs Samantha to physically feed her after getting dumped at the altar)! The show was never as shocking as it thought it was, but it used to be good fun and a lot ruder.

The movie has a moment of ‘oh look, the side of a penis!’ but nothing more outrageous than that (I mean, seriously, a SIDE? C’mon….). The biggest audience reaction came when we saw the sumptuous shoes and dresses – while the sex scenes barely got a whisper. Perhaps it was the lack of context, the feeling that they ‘had’ to have them but didn’t really want to, and it showed. I’m not asking for it to become Bad Lieutenant or Deep Throat here – but this needed a few more balls. Ahem.

My opinion might change when I inevitably get it on DVD (for Christmas perhaps) but the Sex and the City movie was just treading water, and playing it very, very safe. For such a groundbreaking show, that’s just not good enough.

However, I am a sucker for glamour, grousing about my life, and drinking cocktails. To a point. So, I’ll leave it a while and then rewatch them all on Comedy Network, and wonder how long it’ll be before the movie’s sequel. Maybe we’ll see them in another 5 years?

And as I expected after watching this much girly-chatty-action, I badly needed to see Grindhouse again. Or Predator. Something with violence and sweaty men, please. 300 would make a perfect double-bill to this as it contains both gorgeous man-abs and many many dismembered limbs flying off bad guys. You know. If you like that kind of thing.

Shoes or Spartans, shoes or Spartans…??? Damn, that’s a tough choice….

Oh, and – The Dark Knight is out this month, woot! FINALLY!! Yaaaaaaaaaaaaay!

Zodiac (2007) Dir David Fincher

AS ALWAYS – HUGE SPOILER WARNING!

Starring: Jake Ghyllenhal, Robert Downy Jnr, Mark Ruffalo

I suppose there were always going to be problems with a film about a serial killer who was never caught. At first, anyway, it seems like they might make the best of it – starting in the era of 1969, a vicious killer attacks lone couples, and begins to taunt police and the press with threats of worse to come. This psycho was a publicity-hound with a knack for cereal-box ciphers that captured the public’s imagination.

Reporter Paul Avery (Robert Downey Jnr with Iron Man facial hair) & cartoonist-turned Zodiac investigator Robert Graysmith (Jake Gyllenhaal) at their San Francisco Chronicle office

William Armstong, Mark Ruffalo’s frustrated detective, tries to narrow down the huge list of suspects but the main focus is around Robert Graysmith (Jake Gyllenhaal), a cartoonist for the San Francisco Chronicle. He gets sucked into the mystery, obsessed with solving the ciphers and unravelling the clues to the killer’s identity. He goes so deeply it almost destroys him. Meanwhile, Paul Avery (Iron Man’s Robert Downey Jnr!), Robert’s friend and the Chronicle’s star reporter, seems to deliberately destroy himself in the years after he’d investigated the story. It’s only by the second hour that it all begins to lose its way.

A moment, please to appreciate Mark Ruffalo’s awesome hair plus bowtie, and the proof that he’s more than just a romantic comedy foil

The gradual unravelling of pace and the disappointing lack of genuine conclusion (although a very heavy speculation on who it COULD have been) unfortunately turned an intriguing thriller into an essay on endurance. By the end of this incredibly long piece of work by Fight Club, Alien 3 and S7n director David Fincher, I also felt as though I’d also been tracking down the sneaky Zodiac killer for almost 20 years. So at least it gives you further empathy with the very likeable lead actors! For what it’s worth, be warned – this is a looooooooong movie, which outstays its welcome by the time its timeline reaches 1982 and you realise it’s still got an hour to go.

Slightly gratuitous Jake Gyllenhaal picture, as the obsessed Robert Graysmith!

Fincher is obviously intrigued by the weird details of the Zodiac case – he’s crammed a vast amount into the plot. He seems to have been as obsessed as the characters in his search for the truth about this bizarre murderer and his media-hogging identity. It’s just a pity it couldn’t have been more tightly paced, maybe giving us a bigger thirst to learn more ourselves, and to read Graysmith’s 1986 ‘Zodiac’ book. Reality is a tricky thing to pin down on screen – we know there’s usually some dramatic licence involved. Zodiac points this out when the main investigators all end up watching the start of Dirty Harry (1971), which did little to disguise inspiration from the Zodiac killer. In fact they deal with Dirty Harry quite sniffily. This may explain why Zodiac has such a documentary feel, to set itself apart from more exploitative film versions of the case.

In truth, Dirty Harry is still a better picture, but as a study of how serial killers grab the public imagination Zodiac’s actually a very solid piece of work, despite its capacity to wallow. My only advice? Don’t start watching this at 11pm, you will be there ALL night. And basically, I didn’t hate it, I can grudgingly admire it, but I know there’s much better to come from a great talent like David Fincher.

Still, as with most real life serial killer movies (and not just the usual Texas Chainsaw ‘based on real events’ bullshit), there’s a creeping unease about exploitation of pain caused, and wondering if we’re just giving the serial killer the fame his perverse little ego always craved? The Zodiac mystery remains compelling, and has stayed alive through the increasing popularity of serial killers running amok in modern fiction -some making Zodiac himself look tame (just check out the Saw films!). Perhaps that’s the real truth of this film – and isn’t that far more disturbing?

A cute couple from 1969 disobey the first rule of Serial Killer movies, and also don’t drive fast enough away from a threatening black sedan…

Indiana Jones and the Kingdom of the Crystal Skull

(or, Indy IV) 2008 Dir Steven Spielberg

CONTAINS VAST AMOUNTS OF SPOILERS, BUT YOU’VE ALREADY BOUGHT THE HYPE LIKE ME AND GONE TO SEE IT ALREADY. RIGHT?

It’s a bit difficult to know what to say. It’s not like we really, really all WANTED another one, is it? George Lucas and Spielberg have been promising this for years – but inbetween 1989 and, er, now, they’ve been getting on with more important things. Like, the Star Wars prequels (oh gawd) or remaking War of the Worlds. There have been other projects, other franchises, and yet Indy has been left to hang by his bullwhip in development hell since The Last Crusade – and that film kinda wrapped it all up already. Hearing there was a new one – the hype is inescapable – and apparently, this time, there would be aliens and it would be set in the 1950s. Hmmm.

So, I went to the cinema so I could review it fairly. And when I got back, I realised – you know what people are going to say after this? “Oh yeah, there’s a new X-Files movie out soon, isn’t there, I wonder what that’s going to be like?”

To put the new Indiana Jones flick into context – the X-Files has had 10 seasons and a movie since The Last Crusade. Since MacGyver visited Atlantis, the aliens and archaeology angle has been COVERED to DEATH and in a far more interesting way. in almost every Indiana Jones ripoff particularly STARGATE (again, ten seasons! It wasn’t amazing but that’s hardly the point). This has been happening all the way up to Indy’s spiritual granddaughter, Lara Croft. To stand out from a saturated crowd, Indy’s creators needed to make this pretty special to out-derive its derivatives.

Gratuitous Lara Croft picture – Indy’s spiritual granddaughter – any attempt to use a girl in the movie would probably have backfired, and remember, Spielberg hates guns these days.

After sitting through Indy IV, I’ve come to the conclusion that they needed to have a slightly smaller tongue in their cheek, perhaps allow their stars a few more takes to get the ACTING back to standard, and sort out that bloody mess of CGI that pollutes the entire flick. It’s a well-meaning effort but suffers badly from half-a-good-movie syndrome.

(L-R) Professor Harold Oxley (John Hurt), Marion Ravenwood/Oxley (Karen Allen),
‘Mutt’ Oxley (Shia LeBoueff) and…y’know…Indy has a large number of sidekicks…

The problem we have here is that Indy gets seriously bogged down, picking up sidekicks and getting thrown into one action scene to the next. It’s a jarring narrative, a story with nothing really at stake. On the plus side, Indy’s not looking as craggy as I’d feared, and give Harrison Ford his due, he stands up to the considerable punishment they put him through. In the first scene I did feel a little uneasy that this bolshy Russian was slapping around a much older man – this isn’t the muscle-ripped masochist Indy from Temple of Doom anymore, guys.

In fact, we’re in 1957, Marty McFly’s accidental era, and Indy is now getting into scrapes with a bunch of dodgy Russian Communists. We start where the very first film ended – in the big warehouse of anonymous crates (also borrowed by the X-Files and Citizen Kane, yes there’s a theme). The dastardly Commies want a secret box that Indy helped to recover from a crash site in 1947. Yes, it was Roswell. I want to say ‘snore’ – however, this is Indy IV’s best sequence. There are crowd pleasing bits where we see the Ark again – pretty inevitably, as they play Raider Of the Lost Ark’s Map Room music to remind you ABOUT THE ARK. It seems like a dumb idea to bring up the brilliant first movie, really. I can’t help feeling that showing Indy getting involved in the Roswell coverup would’ve been the smart way to open this.

Boooooo! Cate Blanchett as the evil psychic (apparently) Russian Communist mission leader who manages to invade Area 51 witha buch of Russian soldiers, and threatens our Indy in the process. Tighten up the old security, eh America? Wait a minute…uh oh.

Anyway, Indy wriggles out of this mess and after a pretty good chase sequence, gets into a creepy nuclear test site town and survives a nuclear explosion by hiding in the fridge, which I could just about take, despite the cute CGI prairie dogs that were there for, er, no reason at all. These are the best parts of the film – the first 20 minutes – then the seriously blah Maguffin plot finally kicks in.

Don’t mess with Indy – he may have inexplicably stopped using a gun, but he still has his whip and has done a serious amount of push-ups.
Lookin’ pretty good, Harrison!!

In a poorly developed twist, our Indy is accused of treason after his Area 51 escapade, They kick him out of his University and soon he’s on a train to nowhere, until a ‘plucky biker-boy sidekick’ named Mutt (Shia LeBeouff) comes to get him.

Indy plays father-figure to Mutt, whose Mum is Marion Ravenwood,
so who could his Daddy-O possibly be….??

The boy’s mother has been kidnapped, and who else does this turn out to be but Indy’s ex-girlfriend, Marion from the very first movie (Karen Allen – what happened?!). They investigate leads from a cryptic note – and travel the world until they reach a grave site where they’re attacked by a creepy guy in a skull mask. This isn’t really explained. Anyway, Indy decks creepy guy with a shovel – let’s swing on…

Indy and his new pal are being tracked by his traitorous OLD pal from the war – George ‘Mac’ McHale, played by Ray Winstone in full ‘what the bleedin’ ‘ell’s all this ‘ere bleedin’ archaeology bollocks?’ mode. Most of the unwieldy aspects of the story tend to be explained via his hurried dialogue and the occasional punch to the face. Still, at least the amazing Denholm Elliott returns in a cameo as a statue – good going, given that he died away from the franchise a few years back.

The annoying thing is, Kingdom of the Crystal Skull can’t be written off as entirely bad. There are great moments – clearly these came up when they were running with the ‘concepts’ stage of the movie’s development hell. Top of this has to be in the sequence when Indiana Jones escapes a nuclear explosion, the radiation-proof fridge is blasted clear, and he staggers out, looking directly up at the mushroom cloud. It’s a wonderful shot, where our Indy meets the nuclear age.

The next best scene garnered some giggles of recognition from the audience. After Indy’s been scrubbed clean of nuclear fallout by the government scientists, he comes face to face with Neil Flynn – the psychotic janitor from Scrubs. This is mainly funny due to Neil Flynn being outed as the cop who very briefly tries to catch Richard Kimble (Harrison Ford) in The Fugitive, and they devoted an episode of Scrubs to this (Christ knows what happened when they watched Platoon…Doctor Cox flashbacks to Vietnam maybe?).

In Indy IV, Janitor/Flynn plays an uptight FBI agent complete with MIB suit, slicked back hair and horn-rimmed glasses, having a go at Indy for being a commie. Then Jim from Neighbours shows up. Alarm bells were starting to go off.

The crowd-pleasing lines aren’t quite delivered with enough panache – they seemed to lack energy and belief. Then the pacing is slow in some places (talky-talky-talk), and rushed in others. This kind of attitude especially damages the point of bringing back Marion, and we learn so little about ‘Mac’ you wonder why the hell he’s there. Even John Hurt is utterly wasted as the Professor that aliens have driven loony. Overall it’s very unsatisfying. Add in the hokiest aliens imaginable – and a bad guy with psychic powers that SHE NEVER USES, and I think Lucas – and this franchise – got left out in the desert sun for too long. With the best will in the world – this movie is an overcooked mess.

And what kind of an action movie has a nuclear blast happen right at the START rather than in the FINALÉ? Post-apocalyptic flicks aside… For crying out loud, it would be much more satisfying to end it near this iconic image, than with a naff flying saucer and some unoriginal aliens blowing up Cate Blanchett’s head with, er, knowledge.

Despite the exploding heads – and heads eaten alive by ants (I’m either getting old, or more squeamish, but the ant scene was icky) Indy is panting several miles behind Iron Man. Iron Man is the blockbuster of the summer – at least til Dark Knight. Sorry for the déjà vu, but anyway, it may still be a lot better than Hulk.

Don’t write Indy off just yet – he can still throw a mean punch,
just can’t say the same for the damn script…

All this isn’t entirely Indy’s fault. Our intrepid archaeologist carries a lot of baggage – he’s been around for so long, there are too many ideas of who he is and what he ought to do. Very little could live up to this weight of expectation. On the scale of good movies and awful movies, Indy just scrapes by til the end on goodwill alone – but I still wouldn’t recommend rushing out to see it. Many people will, out of curiosity, and it’ll be treated as a major success. Most people also seem to WANT to like it – because we love Indy and would dearly like Harrison Ford to lose the earring already. But a big movie with this long to prepare ought to be able to deliver far more, and not require defending by those who wanted it to be loved. Instead, we are sticking up for the old guy, and wondering nervously if Shia LeBoueff is really going to be a decent replacement for our beloved, whip-toting archaeologist.

But until then – Lucas, Spielberg, Chris Carter…make an Indiana Jones Crossover with Mulder and Scully? Please? Guys? C’mon, it’d solve all our problems…

Until then – and not suitable for sensitive souls – here’s a link to Peepshow’s take on Crystal Skull theory, eerily well-timed for the movie’s release.

The reference is about 1.54mins into the clip.

And I know – I watch far too much Scrubs…

The Andromeda Strain (2008) Mini-Series or main event?

The Andromeda Strain (2008) Mini-Series or main event?

The anti-Andromeda-virus squad leap into action.

(All images here borrowed from Cinemablend.com)

As a rule of thumb, I’d run a mile from anything with the description ‘mini’ and ‘series’ in the blurb, as it invariably means sub-par acting by C-Listers and once-awesome movie stars who turned up to pay the bills, gawd-awful attempts at plot, and CGI of the world ending done by the guy who makes the tea at ILM. In short: It is where bad sci-fi comes to die.

Now, the Andromeda Strain was no different, although with far higher production values than usual, and a better, though techno-babbling, script. It was publicised to death over in the US, and trailered as a massive event in cinemas (at least, again, in the US). The biggest selling feature was undoubtedly that it’s produced by the brothers Scott (yes – Ridley and Tony! Why do you think I watched it?) and is based on a Michael Crichton book. Actually, for the record, the term ‘based on a Michael Crichton book’ is generally a sign to switch off your brain. On the plus side, it wasn’t the Jaws writer guy – now THERE’s an example of lather-rinse-repeat the same frickin’ scenario.

So, with Michael Crichton’s concept, the Scott brothers backup, and a decent FX budget to bolster the events, who are the big names they’ve hired to make this TV EVENT come to life?

Well, oddly enough, its main star appears to be Jordan from NBC’s Scrubs. We have Ricky Schroeder, fresh from pissing off Jack Bauer in 24 and also the Murse (male nurse) in an old series of Scrubs. The other recognisable face is Daniel Dae Kim, fresh from Lost and EVERY PULP CGI SCI FI MOVIE in the last ten years…oh, and finally Will from Will and Grace as a reporter, whose entire purpose is to survive the film and scrub up at the end. And that’s it.

Will from Will and Grace (Eric McCormack) scrubs up well for the end of the show

What the hell was the point of his character here again?

But, while it’s not as great as it thinks it is – and jeez, it thinks it’s amazing for extending a 90 minute Crichton movie about an alien virus (or a virus from the future, take your pick) into a four hour epic – which I can’t agree with. Why is more of it better? It’s just loads more talking!

It’s even more pleased that it manages to drop in references to ISSUES like Global Warming, Environmentalism (don’t dig deep sea trenches, kids) and Dodgy Government Conspiracies (with a distinctly ‘nicked from 24’ smell about it), on top of some pretty tawdry emotional drama and a Hero Whose Family Doesn’t Understand His Job and Resent Him.

Despite its predictability, it sort of gets away with it. It’s perfect Bank Holiday rainy-day viewing.

For a start, it’s NOT 10/5 Apocaplyse.

But it does suffer from being in a confined high-tech, badly-lit laboratory set for a lot of the time, and an obligatory ‘race through the air ducts’ ending. Plus no one ever really gets THAT upset even when someone cuts off their own head with a chainsaw, or shoots a bunch of people in the face. Well, the waitress looked quite annoyed. Incidentally, this has been rated as a 12-certificate on Sky. Don’t ask me how. To see how weird this is, compare this to the rating Spiderman gets with its ‘fantasy violence’. Spidey got a 12A, and all that really had was some rather violent costume battles, like a mini-Godzilla vs Mecha-Godzilla. Let me reiterate – a man LOPS OFF HIS OWN HEAD WITH A CHAINSAW. Phew.

Right, so lack of reaction by the cast to these terrifying events – could be partly due to Jordan’s excessive botox. Again, don’t do it, actress-kids. The poor woman cannot open her mouth anymore – and I loved her character, in Scrubs anyway.

Christa Miller as a scientist trying to unravel the Andromeda Strain, and maybe, one day, to smile or cry again. Oh, and they totally called her on this in a episode of Scrubs, and while she has every right to use botox to stay young, it just seems kind of ridiculous when it looks this bad. It’s affected the poor woman’s voice, for crying out loud! Bring back Jordan!!!

So, this Andromeda Strain epic passed the time – but it made the fatal mistake of calling one of its characters General Mancheck. No, this wasn’t my deafness – it’s the actual name they called him. And, while that would have been a little funny on its own, they ALSO cast Jordan from Scrubs. So EVERY TIME they brought up poor ol’ General MANCHECK, I and boyfriend ended up rolling around giggling because of….

Yes it’s wrong. Yes it’s immature. Yeah – it makes you wonder if the casting guy had something against Ridley and Tony. Who knows. But ultimately, it’s because it reminds us of the above sketch where the mighty Doctor Cox gets punched in the nuts, by his own son, on Jordan’s orders. And that’s never going to stop being funny.

It’s the end of the world as we know it! You’ve gotta laugh. Right?

Just don’t panic and set yourself on fi…oh, never mind….

Jordan, isn’t this upsetting you….?

*Shrug*

Iron Man (2008) Dir. John Favreau

IRON MAN – (2008) Dir: John Favreau

It’s official – Dark Knight has a helluva lot to live up to. Because here is the next superhero I want to take out for drinks and party with. Oh yes, the awesome trailers didn’t lie – Iron Man is, very shockingly, actually good. Great, in fact.

This is an origin story focussing on how naive billionaire, Tony Stark (Robert Downey Jnr) learns that his company’s weapons are being used by non-Americans to kill US soldiers. On top of this, a bunch of Afghan terrorists capture him and force him to build them some kickass weaponry. Despite the terrorists watching him on a webcam (minor plot query there), he manages to make himself into a weapon of sheer destruction and gets the hell out of there. He returns to civilisation a changed man – and begins work on a new kickass suit so he can right the wrongs his weapons have caused. Oh, and a new threat looms much closer to home. And they pull it off – barely with a step wrong in the whole movie. I loved it. I’ve seen it twice at the cinema so far!

The last film to get that honour was Batman Begins; after enjoying it hugely the very first time, I couldn’t wait to be in that world again. Iron Man hits similar highs, but in even more vivid ways. Iron Man has many more punch-the-freakin-air levels of fantastic. It delivers – on every level – and doesn’t ask for a tip (hey, IM’s a billionaire already)!

So what do we get? Why am I squealing this film’s praises to high heaven? Is this film so good I suspect the devil had a hand in it somewhere? Let’s pull this back a notch and look at the evidence.

For starters, this is a superhero movie where there’s almost no whinging. I know it’s difficult to believe, but it’s been accomplished at last. Tony Stark is a driven, interesting hero; and sure, he’s got his set of moral quandaries and emotional battles to overcome (not to mention borderline alcoholism and a death wish). Despite this, Favreau lets Downy Jnr show this by his ACTING – not by yapping on – which Spidey and Bats have been very guilty of in the past (and even especially Superman – shame on you….). Tony Stark is perhaps the first really grown up superhero properly presented on the big screen – and I reckon it’s at least PARTLY cos he’s discovered girls…and gotten over it.

Let’s say that I fancy Bruce Wayne, but I’d want Tony Stark at my birthday party…

Well, I’d invite them both…Bruce probably wouldn’t be able to make it…

Anyway…

Tony Stark (Robert Downey Jnr) get his photo taken with a big fan in the scene that sets the pace for the whole movie.

Now, the challenge is to find ways to describe Iron Man that don’t just contain the words Kick and Ass – I’ll try, I really will. Um…seriously, it’s impossible to sing this film’s praises enough. It gives Dark Knight a lot to live up to (aww, it will). IM has a heart and a sense of humour (both underrated in ANY genre), and a wonderful, peerless showpiece for my brand new actor-obsession, Robert Downey Jnr. Go rent Kiss Kiss bang Bang to see what I mean – the guy is incredible. He’s come a helluva long way since Weird Science!

Oh, and the other actors are very well-placed, too. Gwyneth Paltrow has mellowed into a very likeable character, perhaps she should be a red-head more often? She was charming as Pepper Potts (all right, stupid name, it’s a comic…lalala) displaying actual warmth and a real sense that she cared. I mean, RDJ could have great chemistry with a Hollyoaks actor (if you don’t know what that is, substitute ‘a lump of toothpaste’ here), but she really sparks with him. Same for The Dude as the brilliantly named Obidiah Stayne (Jeff Bridges), the shouty industrialist father-figure to Tony Stark. Even Paul Bettany’s turn as the sarky computer that controls Stark’s Malibu pad is enormous fun. However, several scenes are completely stolen by a couple of mischievous robotic hands – and yes, Downey Jnr has awesome chemistry with them, too! (They actually reminded me of the skutters from Red Dawrf’s early seasons…)

Iron Man has also provided a reason to bother going to see the remake/reimagnining/ sequel??? To Hulk! Now named ‘the Incredible Hulk’, due in cinemas around now, it’s managed to corral at least three of my least favourite actors (Tim Roth, Ed Norton, Liv Tyler) into one CGI block-blaster. Tony Stark has a cameo in it. Might hang on for the youtube video on this one. Just my personal opinion, like the rest of the blog. But, I may give Hulk a chance. If I’m in the neighbourhood. It’s big, dumb, blockbuster fun. It just won’t be up to Iron Man…!

It’s very easy to pick holes in the big blockbuster movies – and most of them deserve it. What this pulls off so charmingly is persuading you along for the ride. And you WILL want a go in that suit once it’s up and running. This is a hugely enjoyable flick – and you MUST stay to the end and wait for a special moment, which promises more goodies to come. Go on, stay to the end; it’ll totally be worth it – not lame like the bits at the ends of the Pirates movies…plus it makes everyone think you’re a Serious Cinema Buff who reads all the credits. It will…

Ultimately, I think the Superheroes should have the last word on their blockbusters. They have a busy summer lined up. Dark Knight is out in July (so far away!) and it’s the battle of the comic-book billionaires – stay and watch the others too. Hilarious, I promise! Just click and go.

Oh, and Iron Man Kicks Ass!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!

May bumper bonanza

Great new shows and movies we’ve been waiting for!

It’s May. Again, how that happened I don’t entirely understand. What is this night/day/night thing anyway? I’m frantically catching up here!

With May comes Spring. With Spring comes, surprisingly, some decent shows and the return of better ones.

This is particularly true for Channel 4 and E4. The BBC has the new series of Heroes and – I wouldn’t recommend it. It retells the same story for five episodes, and it’s only 11 episodes long anyway. And SPOILER the Petrellis lived. So blah on the whole thing. At least Kring has already apologised for it. AGAIN.

Back on Channel 4, though, and things are looking up. From the 1^st of May we have two homegrown shows, one old, one spanking new.

The old is Peepshow. Despite a wobble in Series 3, series 4 was a damn fine return to form. It continues this in the first ep of the 5^th (yes, 5^th!) series. Barely a week after Mark’s disastrous non-wedding to Sophie, Jeremy is determined to get them back out into dating society. Sadly for Mark, a burglar and a makeshift Guantanemo transforms these efforts into a beyond-awkward social situation.

Increasingly unstable Mark detains a burglar while his ‘date’ looks on…

Here lies the face-clenching brilliance of Peepshow. It also sees the return of a character from the very first episode – Toni’s sister who, 5 years ago, Jeremy mistakenly believed had cancer. The girl that Mark pursues also bears a striking resemblance to the lovely shoe-shop girl he stalks at Dartmouth University in series 2. And there’s a nice nod to the evil scally kids from the pilot, when one of the burglars calls Mark a Clean Shirt. Whatever the hell that is. (To quote – Isn’t that good?)

The newest show on the block is The Inbetweeners. This is a sort of Sixth Form Peepshow, although it doesn’t have the internal narrative of anyone except its Mini-Mark-in-Training. This is Will– the posh new kid who’s had to start at a hideously nasty new comprehensive school after his dad leaves his mum. He doesn’t get off to a great start – he carries a briefcase, wears his old school uniform (a blazer) and has ever-so-slightly ‘spazzy hair’. The school psychos immediately take a photo of him on the loo.

Charming – Will’s first day could have gone better…

(image c/o Channel4.com)

It goes up on the school pinboard. Social death. Yet, endearingly, he persists in trying to make friends with ‘an average’ group of lads and just about survives his first day. Just. If I actually watched Skins, I’d probably call Inbetweeners its less-pretentious little brother. As I’ve only seen the borderline artistic trailers for Skins, I’ll just have to compare it to Peepshow instead. Verdict – this is another painfully amusing show about people with no social skills trying to get through their days despite being warped and self-obsessed. The main difference is, Mark and Jeremy aren’t that likely to grow out of it (yay!).

Finally, much excitement now for the return of Scrubs as its final ever season (Season 7) comes to E4 on the 7^th May. Reviews imminent. Funnybone is primed.

And now – big amount of movies to see this month? It’s a bumper crop – really HUGE bumps. We have:

Iron Man – Robert Downey Jr as a Superhero. It’s about time!

Sex and the City – All anyone has commented on is the clothes. Everyone else has read the plot spoilers then. So, about these clothes…

Indiana Jones and the Crystal Skull – We know he’s too old for this shit. But all the merchandise from the original trilogy is being reissued. And it could be…watchable. No? No, okay. Can’t be worse than Superman Returns though. Can it? Really? Fingers crossed here.

At least one decent horror film – REC ? Is already disappearing from the cinemas!

A Grindhouse special at mylocal cinema! – both movies watched together at last on the big screen. Can’t wait. (And when is that Kill Bill double gonna happen, eh?)

And, er…Hulk. It might be ok.

So this is May. Like I said, I’m catching up. More reviews of all the above to follow!

Things noticed in April 2008

Things noticed in April 2008

New US series premieres:

All the season premieres from the US seem to have been contractually obliged to include ‘Young Folks’ by Peter, Bjorn & John in their scenes. I counted Dirty Sexy Money, Journeyman, and Gossip Girl. There must be more. It’s not a particularly bad song, it’s just – use something else, guys? Is it in Heroes 2 yet? Maybe in Series 3!

Doctor Who Series 4: SPOILERS

Well, they’ve chosen Catherine Tate as the new assistant. SPOILER – And they’re bring back Rose! Yes, that’s it. She’s coming back. In an SFX interview, they said that she wasn’t ever returning to ‘give Martha a chance’. But now Saint Rose is returning. Snore. At least Tate’s grumpy Donna is a refreshing change from a lovesick teenybopper following the Doc around (I kid, I kid). I’m just not that bothered if I catch the show or not – I’m a bit bored by Doctor Who at the moment. And there HAVE been some good episodes. Three and a half, actually. Blink, Empty Child/Doctor Dances, and most of that school one with Giles from Buffy. Also, why is the second episode of every season a mandatory ‘historical drama with a twist’? (BBC remit?). Within four seasons of New Who, I can’t help feeling that if it was ACTUALLY that much fun travelling with the holy Doctor, they could find some interesting way to bloody SHOW us it is, rather than harping on and on about how frickin’ amazingly fantastic it bloody is. Instead, he gets people killed a lot and then shouts at some aliens. Every time. I’m also tired of Russell T Davis getting defensive in interviews about the amount of gayness on the show, the lame scripts, everything. And by the way, Russell T – it’s NOT bloody Buffy. Never will be. Now make your own show better! *and breathe*

Honey Monster rips off Mighty Boosh! And other ads:

The Original!

The Grudge 2: or ‘Who you gonna call?’

The Grudge 2: or ‘Who ya gonna call?’

(not that I’d want Peter Venkman anywhere near this lot…)

WARNING: Contains major spoilers and discussion of the events and plot. Because it’s more fun that way. Contains exasperated swearing.

The Ring is better. Far far better. Let’s get that clear from the start. Ideally it’d be the version without Naomi Watts, but at least in those movies there’s usually some sort of a deal made when you piss off Sadako, and an interesting way to perpetuate the curse.

The annoyingist (sic) thing about The Grudge and all its sequels and remakes lies in the victims total helplessness once they’ve annoyed the weird-looking ghosts. All you have to do is end up in the house. That’s it. Once you’ve wandered within its walls, it’s open season. Before you know it you’re being stalked by the weird little boy with a cat’s soul (and voice), the twitching, croaking, long haired, crawling woman. They’re everywhere you look. They now have free licence to murder you. Exactly how is not defined. And neither is your time of death.

Once they’re irritated, they begin operation ‘haunt you to death’. Basically, they fuck with you, lurking behind coat racks, under desks, inside the hood of your…hoody top. They torture the hapless cast for as long as they can get away with, then pop up in an undead ‘peekaboo’ and snatch you off to somewhere that’s never really explained. This happen a LOT. The large cast of characters makes it difficult to connect with them, or to really, truly care when the spooks make their moves. Plus, the story is told out-of-sequence in a way that only Tarantino and that Memento guy can get away with. As a consequence, I don’t actually remember what any of them were called.

In this remake of a sequel to a remake, this is even more of a mess. It’s all downhill after they kill off Sarah Michelle Gellar, and leave us with her wimpy sister. She’s sort-of trying to find out what happened and how to stop it. She’s sort-of getting help from a nice bloke who knows something about the curse, but he still goes inside the house. She’s sort-of trying not to go inside the house too when somehow the ghosts yoink her inside. She sort-of tries to get help from the female ghost’s mother (a professional curse-lifter), only to lead the ghosts there and get everyone killed. Then she returns to the house and gets killed. And…? Nope, that’s her story. Blah.

Boo! Behind yooou! Turn around!
Sarah Michelle Gellar’s ‘sister’ gets haunted

As well as SMG’s sister, we have two other story threads providing fodder for our spooks. One follows a luckless trio of schoolgirls who enter the house on a dare. Despite this being set in Japan, one of the weirdest things about the Grudge remakes seem to be that nearly all the characters getting involved in the curse aren’t Japanese. They’re invariably American and appear to be in the country purely to get killed by the ghosts! Of the three schoolgirls, one is a slutty Japanese girl (who visits a sex hotel with her white boyfriend), the other is a slutty blonde girl (think a dumber version of Rachel MacAdam’s character in Mean Girls). And then there’s the obligatory frumpy brunette, who survives into the finale. Don’t ask me how.

Three normal schoolgirls. A very haunted house. What could possibly go wrong?

This third schoolgirl goes home to her family in America, and the ghosts are nice enough to hang on during the flights and the drive, only to extend their fucking-with people to actual Americans in America. Perhaps it was payback? Anyway, thanks to the choppy timeline, her story finally intertwines with the family of a young boy in a flat beside hers. When she returns to the States, the ghosts start to possess the people in the building. You know, a bit like the Shining. Sort of.

Sadly, as the family gets barely a sliver of screen time (there are cheerleaders to consider, folks) a potentially interesting angle on this intangible curse gets squitted away. We’re left with yet more spooky pointlessness, only this time with a little kid (who isn’t a bad actor) trying to survive the curse. Only he doesn’t. There’s no cure, no deal, no arc. It’s hopeless. Futile. And not in a good, bleak way. It wouldn’t suck quite so hard if we had some sort of payoff when the ghosts attack – vanishing isn’t really enough. Bodies go somewhere…if only to scare the lead actress at the end.

While The Grudge 2 manages some decent spooky images, (scary lady crawling out of a dark-room tray, anyone?), it’s still a vapid exercise in remakes and storytelling. I understood the point of the original Japanese version of the Grudge. Ju-On seemed to explain that it wasn’t the boy or the lady killing people, it was the enraged father. Even with everything in Japanese, this made more sense. In the remakes they’ve become an unstoppable duo against which the characters haven’t the slightest chance. And frankly, this just makes it into an empty experience. It’s not like Freddy Kruger. You don’t end up rooting for the spooks – and you won’t – no matter how many times they remind you that they were murdered, and how, and where. Over and over.

So, a fun ‘jump’ movie, maybe. But not that scary, certainly not rewarding, and for heaven’s sake don’t pay for it! One to forget. Which I can, following this review.

Now, what’s making that creepy rattling noise…?

Eeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeee!

Blonde not Blue – Britney does Daft Punk (maybe)

“Break the Ice” Britney Spears 2008 music promo

Can I just direct everyone’s attention to Britney’s remarkable return to form?

She’s gone from fresh-faced to frazzled single mum, to out-and-out batshit crazy…apparently.

Now she’s gone 2D and aping Major Motoko Kusanagi with slightly better hair. It’s certainly not going to banish the awfulness of Piece of Me. (Which scrawled its irony in crayon). But this is certainly a slinkily-animated high-kick in the right direction.

There were no links anywhere to embed this on the site, sorry guys.

But please do check it out.

As far as I can tell, someone finally figured out that Britney’s appearance in person was not fulfilling the wet dreams of her fanboys. The ‘pop princess’ who has been straddling the media for a good ten years now (I know, I feel old too!) has had her personal image good’n’tarnished following last year, and whether the timing was planned or not, this animé spectacular is a very good idea. I thought it was by Madonna when I first clapped eyes on it. It’s actually, gods forbid, pretty innovative and exciting to watch!

Now, I love cartoons anyway. The very best kind tell the story whilst looking great, having amazing characters and compelling, world-encompassing plots. The two examples that seem to have been used most heavily in this promo (and thus guaranteeing my undying affection) are Ghost in the Shell and Cowboy Bebop. Cyber-Britney performs lots of impossible jumps, smiles at the evil men (apparently former managers) who try and stop her, and procedes to kick their asses in a way that’s still acceptable for regular slots on MTV.

It wasn’t made by the stars of animé, but it sure as hell did the trick.

It’s probably time for a true animated diva, anyway. Why get old and have to work your ass off all the time to appear flawless (a la Mads) when you can let your long-limbed 2D namesake do it for you? Hey, it worked for Damon Albarn (including the name). And let’s admit something else here – what more appropriate swansong could there be for Britney than changing her image into the ultimate animated heroine?

After she’s beaten the bad guys and blowed (sic) up the building, the legend: To be continued…

All I’m saying is – I will most likely buy the next video if it’s animated in this way. Chances are that I won’t bother if she doesn’t Daft Punk this and keep it virtually free of the real Brit. I love animated music videos – done right, they’re a glittering change from the ‘girls wiggling in bikinis’ trend that’s totally taken over. It’s harder to resent an animated image, for a start. And this one is soooo pwetty!

So, more of this shallow and shiny imagery please – I can’t help but enjoy it. She’s ripping it off from the very best – whoever thought of this needs friendly applause. As a brilliant slice of edible animé pop, this hasn’t really been bettered (except by Daft Punk. Obviously).

Good one Britney, more please!

This is my reaction to it – Wikipedia holds all the answers to any further questions.

http://en.wikipedia.org/wiki/Break_the_Ice