Stephen King’s (literal) Desperation (2006)

Stephen King’s Desperation

Starring: Ron Perlman, Tom Skerritt (sorry guys)

3 part mini series by the Master of Horror, directed by the guy who’s making Masters Of Horror. Which I really wanted to love, or like, or enjoy in any way.

Never was a show more aptly named. I’m not actually sure what was more annoying about it – the lack of ‘best thing about it’ Ron Perlman after episode two, the total thickness of the hapless ensemble cast, or the pathetic ‘Jesus will save us if we blindly believe in him’ message at the end. I’m all for God/Jesus/Flying spaghetti Monsters rescuing us, okay? But they need to do a little more than ‘believe in him blindly’. Ugh.

I should start with the plot, I guess. Based on the novel by Stephen King, and directed by Mick Garris (Masters of Horror, The Stand), Desperation follows the fortunes of a bunch of people unlucky enough to be on a lonely American desert highway when Ron Perlman’s possessed Sheriff pulls them over and arrests them. Taking them back to his office, he then proceeds to do, er…sweet FA with them.

Ron Perlman’s evil Sherriff proves how serious the situation is, if you’re this guy.

After he arrests Tom Skerritt (obligatory ‘writer with a dark past’ and Stephen King’s Mary Sue), the writer’s show organiser, and the plucky hitch hiker lady he recently picked up follow him to the ghost town. On finding a room full of dead bodies, the couple decide to…?

a) Run back to the car and call the cops

b) Make out

c) Hang around looking at the dead bodies going ‘uuuurgh’ for an entire freaking episode

????

Did you guess?

Well, it wasn’t a) or even b), so…

While the dumb couple examine dead bodies until dead bodies start getting really dull for them, the little group of captives in the Sherriff’s office figure out how to escape. It involves a saintly young boy, (hereafter named Saintly Little Kid), getting a bar of radioactive soap (from his murdered little sister…) with which to slip through the bars, and outwitting a dog.

Anyway, the short version is that they escape. And what do they do?

a) They all immediately escape in the nearest working car and get the hell out of Weirdsville

b) They all make out

c) They all go to the local theatre and swap stories about what has happened in the town, and what MAY happen in the town, and who Tac might be (he’s a demon. Or something) until the demon comes to find them

So, meanwhile, Ron Perlman has vanished as the demon wore out his body, and it’s now in the far more flimsy form of the Saintly Little Boy’s mother. And it’s about as scary as Doctor Zoidberg. Seriously. Now, Donald Sutherland in Invasion of the Bodysnatchers (1978). THAT’S scary.

Insert obvious ‘let me out of this chicken-shit outfit’ gag

Naturally they escape this not-at-all-scary image of the demon, even after one of them is killed by a mountain lion (not making it up). Then they escape…and decide to try and kill the demon at the local mine where it was released from by a bunch of mistreated Chinese miners in the 1800s. As you do. The Saintly Little Kid says they must all BELIEVE IN GOD AND HE WILL SAVE US. And they all agree. Only Tom Skerritt’s writer character, who HAS A DARK PAST decides he won’t let the kid do the killing of the demon, and he runs into the mine. At Tac’s altar-slash-condo he kills the demon by exploding dynamite and a shotgun shell with a hammer, or his head or something. Saintly Little Kid maintains that GOD WANTED his entire family to die horribly, to prove he loves him. Or something. So, that’s okay, surely?

Barf. It starts off okay, but twenty minutes in something goes horribly wrong, and this latest Stephen King adaptation is another big pile of poo. At least Rose Madder had production values, and a fairly interesting cast. This had Ron Perlman, who at least has Hellboy 2 and a lot of other cool stuff to look forward to. Too bad for Tom Skerrrit. Death by Alien going ‘boo!’ is a lot more dignified.

In super-super-short terms: AVOID

Oh wait! I thought of a good bit! There’s a dead body of a cop with pencils stuck in his eyes! Yeah, that’s pretty cool. It is. There, now there’s no reason AT ALL to watch this crap.

Too harsh? Nope.

Jacked – The End of 24? (Season 6 recap)

The 24 Cast for Season 6. Posed a bit like another set of Heroes…

Jacked – the End of 24?

CONTAINS MASSIVE SPOILERS FOR ALL SEASONS

Damnit! Damnit! Damnit!

That’s the cry of a former CTU agent and 21st Century icon when he realises that the 6th season of his latest show is failing. And I mean falling to earth with a hideous bump. The whole show then explodes in a rain of nuclear fire and destruction. You get the idea. We’re two episodes away from the end, and it’s not looking too hopeful.

24 has always survived on the basis of its non-stop pacing, throwing a zillion plotlines out per episode, and twisting just as you thought you knew who the bad guys probably were. It kills off favourite characters without blinking, and plays with convention by avoiding political correctness (hello Muslim terrorists) and expectations (it’s not just Muslim Terrorists….). And in Season 5, the 24 crew managed to pull off a spectacular combination of intrigue and action. The balance was perfect. Jack Bauer was more than just another killing machine with a rapid healing ability (maybe he’s secretly a Hero?). He found a smart way to obtain justice for an assassinated former president, and righted all the wrongs of the gung-ho seasons 3 and 4. They also had a great ultimate villain, and a lot of well-paced action and emotion. Even better, the wonderfully grumpy genius that is IT geek pin-up, Chloé, really got to shine. There was nothing she couldn’t pull off to get Jack to win his one-man war against terror and unsavoury threats to American idealism.

Then Jack got taken to China after some ill-advised trespassing on their Embassy soil (and getting a staff member killed). It was for the good of the USA, naturally, but he was a marked man. At the start of Season 5, he was still legally dead thanks to some CTU espionage. Then everyone he knew (and we cared about) was blown up, and he returned to life – and to the attention of the vengeful Chinese government. Just as it all seemed to be going so well, they grabbed him at the end of the series and hauled him off for interrogation. In China.

I couldn’t wait for season 6 to begin, as everyone wanted to know what had happened to Jack and how they would resolve this. Would it be set in China? Would Jack escape? How would they pull this off….? And so on. In retrospect, this expectation probably led to them rushing the plot of season 6, ruining the structure of what appeared so promising.

Jack returns to 24 a changed man. Well, he’s hairier…for a while

Season 6 opened with the stalwart Bill Buchanan, head of CTU, and Jack’s good side, Curtis Manning, meeting Chinese officials. Jack is being handed over – but for a high price. What this is, no one says, and no one is likely to say either. Unless there’s a massive revelation in the next two hours, this will probably remain yet another question.

Jack is released to the USA, but at a cost. They want him to go to the latest terrorist threat, a Muslim group, so that they can kill him. The reason the US have negotiated with terrorists is because these particular terrorists have their mitts on a job-lot of nuclear bombs. And Jack tortured a brother of the guy in charge. So it’s time for payback.

The next 18 episodes are a fun race against time, where the nukes have to be tracked down, people get tortured, Jack kills a close friend and recovers from all his torture and injuries in, you’ve guessed it, record time! He polishes off the main bad guy and retrieves everything just in time for a normal person’s bedtime. Lame twists allowing.

Well, it isn’t even a twist. It’s a tenuous plot strand, which the writers have used to plug the last six hours of the show. It doesn’t mesh and it stretches the disbelief to snapping point. As far as most viwerers are concerned the threat is over, Jack won, let’s go down the pub. Nope. Jack would rather go against everything he believes in, and risk national security to retrieve a woman he loves (despite not spending more than 8 months with her in the last 3 seasons). He gave luckless Tony Almeida a bolloxing for doing exactly this, so audience sympathy has suddenly bottomed-out into ‘Jack you total moron’ or the more succinct ‘whaddya doin’?’ It’s shoddy.

Throw in some guff about Jack’s evil father and his equally evil brother’s (yeah right) son being at the centre of a plot to invade the ‘heavily secured’ CTU and, oh my god. They blew it. They even admitted as much. And it’s such a pity. It’s not like we can even blame watching it live – going through it all again on DVD in 5 hour chunks will not improve the pacing this time. 24 was the Pringles of TV – you can never eat less than a handful at once and then you’re quite surprised when the tube is empty. In this case, some git’s forgotten to add the flavour, and you’re grudgingly eating a tasteless mess in the hope that one of them will taste all right.

Jack Bauer, looking for the writers of season 6. Sorry, guys….say goodbye to your kneecaps…

Tenuous synonyms aside, this season is not good. The writers need a break – and the show needs to breathe. Give everyone a REAL 18month break this time, and see how the ideas start to re-emerge. Oh, and hand Kiefer Sutherland’s agent a movie script that doesn’t involve him being either a cowboy or an FBI agent. Seriously.

Two episodes to go in the UK and I hope it improves or takes a break. Heroes now poops on 24. What a no-brainer.

New Who – Series 3 Catch-up

New Who continues with a double-dip in quality followed by some truly great monsters…

Doctor Who Series 3 – So far
BBC1, new Who 2007

Again, real life got in the way and I’m catching up on some overviews. This is a roundup of Doctor Who Series 3. It’s not managed the same standard as the first three episodes, but it’s a better ride than the last series, and the Rose references are starting to thin out.

Episode Four & Five: Daleks in Manhatten and Evolution of the Daleks

The Doctor and a Cthulhu-esque Dalek creation

A vaguely interesting story that’s trying very hard to set the scene. 1930s New York is in trouble when the surviving members of the Dalek race return. This time, they’re using the Empire State Building make a nasty device, and experimenting on humans to create the ultimate Dalek. Their idea is to survive, but all this episode does is prove that the Daleks are best left at the end of the series, or left out altogether, until a truly amazing reason can be made to bring them back.

Martha ends up saving the day with a spot-the-difference puzzle, and the Doctor gets electrocuted. Which doesn’t kill him, for some reason. But he rescues everyone by having really good DNA, so it’s all-okay. After getting struck by lightning, the Doctor’s DNA gets transmitted into the humans that the Daleks have messed with, leading to them questioning their purpose. Pissed-off Daleks promptly massacre their rebellious slaves, but the Doctor is able to turn someone back from a pig man into a dancer’s boyfriend again. One of those episodes that felt rather flat, I’m afraid. Even for a two-parter.

Episode Six: The Lazarus Experiment

Zzzzap! The Doc wields his Sonic Screwdriver against a beastie from Doom

A good, solid chase episode. Brilliant monster is lifted straight out of Doom. Martha’s family are partially returned and they’re not as bad as I thought they’d be. There’s a lot of The Relic in there, too, with its chase through a museum. Then they manage to finally-finally destroy it with sonic power, a bit like Spiderman’s parasite, Venom. By the time danger is averted, Martha decides to join the Doctor, and the Doctor agrees to let her travel with him all the time. Martha’s mum, meanwhile, has been told that the Doctor is extremely bad news. Before she can warn Martha, her daughter is whisked away. Oh, and this time, the only mention of Rose is ‘a companion of his that died’.

Episode Seven: 42

Hot-Doc. Everyone gets a bit sweaty aboard a doomed spaceship…his hair’s not spikey at all!

At least these days, the Doctor knows what he’s doing – even when flying by the seat of his tight trousers. In this cross between the ‘Sunprobe’ episode of Thunderbirds, and the new Sunshine Movie (did they get a receipt? Royalties?!) The Doctor and Martha arrive on board a ship that’s heading right for a sun. It isn’t near Earth, but a cargo ship that’s wandered into danger. This episode continues to try and borrow the things from the Alien Trilogy that weren’t already used in The Impossible Planet. They’re trying to survive possessed people as well as the heat. It’s Jason X with a dash of Darth Vader! While trying to survive this adventure in the depths of space, Martha has a similar revelation to Rose. She knows that if she dies out here, her family will never know what happened to her.

The Doctor had upgraded her mobile, and she gratefully uses it to ring home. As Matha talks to her Mum, her mum is not alone. A mysterious woman is in the room, listening to their call. Clearly someone knows that the Doctor is bad news and wants to track him down. Anyway, the weird parasite that’s taking over the crew enters the Doctor, and things get much worse. Then Martha figures out what’s making the nearby sun so mad – the particles in the sun, powering the ship, were offspring of the angry sun they’re heading into! Or something. As Murray Gold plays yet more remixes of the music from Pirates of the Caribbean, they release the baby sun spritey thingies (did they get a real name? I don’t think so!) The music swells and the ship moves away from the sun. Hurray!

The Doctor celebrates by giving Martha the TARDIS key. Martha rings home, and it’s election day in London. Something very strange and X-Filesy is going on – and it involves Izzy from Hollyoaks! (Look, this was when I used to watch it, okay?). They might even pull off the plot arc this year.

Next episode: Human Nature. Set in 1913…this will be reviewed as a 2-parter. Some time after June 2nd 2007

Silent Hill (2006) Director Christopher Gans

Silent Hill (2006)

Director: Christopher Gans

Starring: Radha Mitchell, Sean Bean, Laurie Holden, Alice Krige, Debra Kara Unger, Jodelle Ferland

Ignore for a minute that this is a video game movie. I can’t help feeling that this fact gave many reviewers an excuse to watch this with their brain switched off. There have been a lot of duds in adapted from videogames, but this is different. Watch it as a great horror movie, and this is way ahead, way in front of many others. Much like the game itself, there is a lot more going on than in any typical survival horror.

It opens on a mother’s desperate scream – Rose De Silva (Rahda Mitchell), and her husband, Christopher (Sean Bean) are running around in the dark beyond their house, searching for their sleepwalking daughter, Sharon. Neatly showing the lengths that Rose will go to for her daughter, she performs a dizzying rescue above a steep waterfall. Her little girl gasps, “Silent Hill!” and Rose worries that she’s getting worse. Rose decides to take her to this mysterious place in the hope of curing her night terrors. Her husband objects and tries to stop her – Rose ignores him and drives to Silent Hill just in time to crash off the road during a chase with a suspicious cop. A little while later, she comes round and Sharon is gone.

Rose finds herself in an empty town that’s slowly being smothered in falling ash. Everything is hidden in thick white fog. It’s already very scary, and Rose does the sensible thing and heads straight into town, looking for Sharon. And this is when it starts to get really nasty.

Rose’s subsequent descent into the levels of Silent Hill hell is brilliantly realised. She moves through two different versions of the haunted town. One is the familiar foggy town. Weird shit still abounds, but it’s nothing compared to what happens when the siren wails and the lights all go out. The siren signals a beautifully grotesque decay of the surroundings. It also brings the monsters to life. These creatures are hideous and realistic – like most of the film they’re created with a minimum of CGI. You’ll be praying for Rose to survive their attacks long enough for these beasts to melt away, turning back into the ashes of the town. It’s pretty intense.

But not all monsters are made of ash. A sinister religious group has a church in the centre of Silent Hill. Rose is following clues to find her daughter, led by a creepy little girl who could be Sharon’s twin. Soon she uncovers the real evil in the town, and learns what they have unleashed through their righteousness.

Whilst Rose tries to survive, Christopher is trying to uncover the mystery of what happened in the ghost town. Heruns up against the local police (Kim Coates) who would prefer that no one went into Silent Hill again. There are fires burning beneath. We see the town in its current, real life state as Christopher searches – sometimes in the same place – for his missing family. Sean Bean gets little to do but look puzzled, but he’s important to show us how the little town appears to have slipped between earth, Heaven and Hell.

Watching this again, I really can’t understand the poor reception this received. It’s a solid horror film, a little more thoughtful than most. Anybody expecting the in-your-face splatter of Resident Evil or, god-forbid, the sequel to Resident evil, might find themselves in a new and much more frightening place. It’s downbeat and brilliant. It rewards repeat viewings, and it looks absolutely beautiful. Oh, and it’s based on a computer game. If you liked the game – and are prepared to be flexible on the plot – then it’s likely you’ll love it. If you’ve never played the game then you’re in for a great trip. Enjoy your visit. It’ll freak you out. Have fun.

Hostel (2005) Director Eli Roth

“We’re all goin’ on a…summer holiday….”

Hostel (2005)

Director: Eli Roth (looks like Sylar from Heroes!)

Starring: Jay Hernandez, Derek Richardson, Jennifer Lim

Grownup fairytale of horror and survival

From all the reports, you’d think that Eli Roth’s Hostel was the nastiest movie ever made. It’s nothing but endless gore, harrowing, disgusting and degrading piece of cinema.

Now I’ve finally seen it, thanks to Sky, and you know what? It’s not that bad.

I’m probably getting immune to horror in movies, but, let’s face it, there’s usually a lot worse on the news. Horror’s power tends to be in the anticipation of what will happen to you – not the act itself, and this is very much the point in this film. There isn’t much actual torture. In fact, it’s a brilliant gothic fairytale replete with ogres, bad fairies and wolves-in-sexy-women’s-lingerie.

It’s even a morality play, which makes it surprisingly safe for a horror film. I was expecting a far less upbeat ending – but instead you feel quite glad about the survival of the lone protagonist. The introduction is like a grownup version of EuroTrip, which starts off making you wish they’d hurry up and kill the obnoxious Yanks. Once away from the tits and the booze, the three men develop what passes for their personality. There’s the Icelandic guy with a daughter and a divorce behind him. One of the boys wants to be a writer, but he’s very shy about this trip. The other one is a typical jock who tells a small anecdote about a woman screaming for her drowned child, which has haunted him all his life. It’s still a toss-up as to who may make it – if anyone does. They also meet two young Japanese women, staying in the same hostel.

Just as the main characters come into focus, we’re suddenly treated to the close-up of a severed head. This is tastefully used in a text message to reassure the other two that he’s gone home. The two Americans are soon in serious trouble. They’ve entered a fairytale and stand little chance of survival. Soon one of them is at the mercy of these torturers for hire, in the first extended seen of brutality. It’s nasty, yes, but then it’s not meant to be pleasant.

The extent of the gore shown will make you wince, but I found it stayed at a bearable level. It’s not real! It’s obviously not real! The tension as the implements are pointed at these vulnerable humans is the nastiest part – the waiting for the agony to land. The actors (tortured and torturer) do a very convincing job of making it realistic, right down to the vomit! It’s gruesome, but not as intense as, say, Texas Chainsaw Massacre. Perhaps the DVD shows things even more graphically. Thing is, graphic violence isn’t scary! Wolf Creek terrified me, Halloween still gives me the jitters, and the Descent can make me jump. As far as Hostel goes, there’s only a bemused sense of ‘is that it?’ This film follows a great tradition of horror for the masses.

For example, there used to be a theatre in France that excelled in this type of apparently gratuitous Grand Guignol. They closed in 1962, after the horrors of World War II turned people’s stomachs off this kind of horror. Their experience of real horror, apparently, made the audiences less happy to watch the previously impossible recreated in front of them. But, then in 1969, Romero made Night of the Living Dead. I think that we still need our scary-tales to help us deal with the nastiness of today, and this is a great example of it.

Real life deadens us to horror, not horror movies. And the more realistic, the better. Hostel doesn’t expose too much – it keeps it painful but also it remains the story of Jack escaping from the man-eating giant. This is a splendid piece of survival horror, but for real scares, you should stick with Texas Chainsaw. Either version is okay, but the first one is far better.

Tomb Raid-huh?

Lara Croft takes care of some local prehistoric wildlife. All in a days’ work, chaps.

Ok, the new Tomb Radier Anniversary game is out. It’s a pretty remake of the very first game ever, which was released on the Playstation One back before I was even aware of what a Playstation was (it’s that thing I played Alien Trilogy on for £1 for 30 minutes at our local video rental store, after school)!

Playstation is iconic, it made an important framework for all my teenage years. I loved Final Fantasy VIII, Alien Trilogy, Resident Evil 1 & 2, and especially Lara Croft. THe Playstation was brilliant, and the Playstation 2 was okay, but it never managed a decent Tomb Raider game.

So, it’s understandable that they’ve made TR: Anniversary work on the PS2. However, now it’s 2007, and only have one question. WHY isn’t this on the XBOX, too? It’s very weird that Playstation also have anew console out, the shiny PS3, and they’re still advertising this for the PS2.

Also, given that Tomb Raider Legend came out on ALL new consoles last year, and looked INCREDIBLE, I have no idea why it’s gone backwards again.

I hear that it WILL be heading for Nintendo Wii soonish – I guess in time for Christmas – and as there’s one of these in the house too, I’m really looking forward to it. I just wish they’d continued making Lara available no matter what the console, like some sort of ultra-portable shooty-lady who talks like the woman from Spooks and Tipping the Velvet. So at least they’ve brought back the wonderful Keely Hawes for lovely Lara’s voice!

Hmm. Had a SUN newspaper moment there. Gulp.

Peepshow Series 4 – the End

Much-needed couples’ therapy for Sophie and Mark in episode 4

All pictures c/o Channel4.com

Peepshow Series 4 – the End!

It’s over. The last episodes have been shown, and now we’ll have to keep an eye on the schedules next year for the further adventures of Mark and Jeremy. Next week is Big Brother, which means I now have several channels to avoid – Channel 4 and all its sister channels. There will, as usual, be no real way to avoid it.

But I’m glad that Channel 4 sensibly renewed Peepshow, because this was the strongest season so far. Mark travelled grimly towards the date of his unwanted nuptials. Jeremy continued to hang onto Mark with grim death and keep living the hedonistic life he feels he deserves. Pain and humiliation were inevitable, and very, very funny to watch.

This is a well-written show with characters that are bad but not unlikeable. That’s the real genius – no matter how bad things get, there’s a grain of sympathy that ensures they aren’t simply being unpleasant for the sake of it. Although the dog-roast episode comes extremely close!

I reviewed the first two episodes individually, but life interfered and I’m catching up on the last few. Same with Doctor Who, only that’s continuing on BBC1 this week!

Episode Three. Gym:

Hide behind the women! Mark and Jeremy avoid their comeuppance in Karate class

Following Mark’s inevitable failure at the Kettering conference, he joins an exclusive gym in order to avoid spending any time with Sophie, his fiancé. He meets Nancy there, and learning about this, Jeremy (still on the rebound from Big Sooze) is determined to make her like him again. Even if she keeps forgetting that they were married.

One thing leads to another, and pretty soon Mark and Jeremy are doing any dirty trick they can to get Mark’s handsome personal trainer fired, so they can cover their arses, only to end up on the gyms’ Karate mat with the very guy they’ve royally pissed off.

Episode Four. Handyman:

Mark and Jeremy both reach new lows this week. Sophie’s in Frankfurt, and Mark think she’s possibly screwing Jeff. He uses this excuse to not feel guilty when he attends his school reunion, and sees Sally Slater, his fantasy woman there. She’s unhappily married and really likes Mark – they seemed to bond over reading The Hitch Hikers Guide to the Galaxy aloud in silly voices on a school trip. Now she’s a cleaner, and Mark’s a reasonably successful businessman. That’s what he tells her, anyway.

Jez helps with this façade when Mark want a private place to see her, as he’s just been employed by his music idol, Russell. Once known as ‘the Orgazoid’, Russell pays Jez lots of money – although at first it’s not clear why. It turns out, he wants Jez for a different sort of handy work. Jez still manages to get fired, but as Russell is on holiday he uses his keys to let Mark into his swish London pad. Sally puts the moves on a worried Mark, but it turns extra-nasty when Sally’s unpleasant husband shows up.

Episode Five. Holiday:

Mark in his jaunty captain’s hat (shortly before hell on water begins)

Jeremy does possibly the nicest thing he’s ever tried to do, by throwing a one-on-one stag do for Mark, spending the last of his cash on a canal boat and promising his friend lots of chess. Boredom sets in all-too soon, and Jeremy drags the always-reluctant Mark to the nearest canal-side pub. Here they meet two party girls, their businessman father and their beloved little dog, Mummy. Initially it seems to go well. Mark even gets an interview, and Jeremy seems to be succeeding with the prettier sister. Then Jez takes an ill-advised drunken ride in the family’s 4×4, and it all results in dog barbeque.

How do you destroy evidence of a dead dog? Mark’s too cheap for firelighters…dig Jeremy!

Episode Six. Wedding:

Such a happy occasion, both glad to be here…

It’s here, it’s inevitable, and Super Hans has just vomited into Mark’s wedding top hat. They appear to have had another stag-do, which has left Jez and Hans both the worse for wear. Mark is anxious to get to the church early, but Jez gets distracted when his beloved Nancy needs a lift from Heathrow. This leads to a detour where an increasingly desperate Mark asks a waitress to marry him, and then tries to get hit by a car. Jeremy points out that this is not a good sign. Mark tries to break it off with Sophie, but refuses to do so over the phone. Trying to tell her Mum the truth fails miserably, too, and Mark hides with Jeremy in the hidden seating behind the altar. The excruciating scene that follows leaves Jeremy pissing in a church, in his trousers…this gives away their position and Mark ends up being married to Sophie. For about five minutes. After a few minutes in the wedding car with him, Sophie jumps out and runs to her parents. Jeremy joins Mark in the wedding car. Jez notes that he smells of pee, and Mark smells of vomit. They belong together! Also, Super Hans is now snogging Nancy on the bench outside the church. It’s a fitting end to their grubby stories!

Well, that seemed to go quite well.

By turns gross and hilarious, Peepshow made a great return to form and continues to impress. And maybe the DVD will get me through a few of the endless hours of Big Brother looming next week.

The Break Up (2006) Directed by Peyton Reed

Vince Vaughn, wondering how to escape Aniston

The Breakup 2006


Director; Peyton Reed


Starring: Vince Vaughn, Jennifer Aniston, Jon Favreau

Jennifer Aniston and Vince Vaughn lock heads in this non-rom-com. i.e. there’s no romance, and almost no comedy. Sure, it starts at a traditionally (kooky) romantic ballgame, where Vince Vaughn first sees Jennifer Aniston, and snatches her away from her date by basically taking the piss out of him…and then seconds after we see their photo album during the titles, they’ve moved in together. And Jennifer Aniston is getting seriously annoyed at Vaughn about lemons. And they’re both irritating jerks with no redeeming features.

It’s nearly very clever because the angst is so familiar from our everyday interactions. This is what we could be if we fail to work on our problems or end up with totally the wrong person. This isn’t always romantic.

For something that’s allegedly a comedy, though, this is far too personal and, unfortunately, truthful to be easy to like. It’s also mean! Sorry, not mean in a good way. It isn’t a black comedy either, despite its stars and fierce ad campaign. It will not leave you feeling like you’ve watched anything hopeful, hilarious or insightful. It’s what we generally go to the cinema to escape from!

There should also be a warning for couples who rent this to watch together – this has the potential to cause arguments in a relationship – there are moments where you might be tempted to murmur to your partner, “You could do that more,” or, “That’s like you/us”. Stop! Think! Even said as a joke, you might find yourself quickly retracting it! That probably says more about the state of your own relationship, I guess. From a non-entertainment viewpoint, this film is an interesting exercise in examining what you might take for granted about the partner in your life.

Let’s face it, this is the kind of relationship snafu flick that that French film industry can make in its sleep – and Vaughn and Aniston make it very believable, but it lacks the charm that a (theoretical) French version could bring. And I not only mean ‘charm’ as in ‘distance because it’s subtitled and they’re speaking Francáis’! These characters get very little chance to prove they’re sympathetic. Or in love. And their friends are all just as horrible.

I actually think Aniston did a good job of being vulnerable, and Vaughn in being baffled by her overreactions. But let’s face it – it’s no fun at all being stuck in a room with a screaming, emotionally manipulative couple, and that’s exactly how this film feels for most of its run-time.

Spiderman 3 (2007) Director Sam Raimi

Spiderman 3. It’s really, really dark and moody, seeeee? Except, er, it isn’t. Remotely.

Spiderman 3: (2007)
Director Sam Raimi
Starring: Tobey Maguire, Kirsten Dunst, James Franco

I don’t like Spiders. I’m more indifferent to the small ones, can live with the ones the size of a 2p, and can just about cope with the spindly invisible ones that leave webs everywhere. But the largest ones simply must be destroyed, as they swagger across the bathroom or bedroom floor, confident that their bloated bodies and intimidating leg span will keep you too terrified to go near it. That’s why I have a huge-spider-thwacking-stick to get the overconfident bastards that think they’re too big to touch.

In a seamless intersection, the creators of Spiderman 3 may have felt much the same way as a recent beastie in our bathroom. They had a very good reason for this, as did the audience. Spiderman One and Two were both highly enjoyable movies, weaving the perfect balance of storytelling, character and awesome comic book action. The anticipation for this third instalment has been, to put it mildly, MASSIVE. The trailer first appeared about 8 months before the release date, followed by a constant barrage of images, and a tie-in font with Sony’s Playstation 3 logo. Just in case.

So I’m going into this film with hopes only a little deflated by absolutely atrocious reviews, even from that bastion of blockbuster big-ups, the mighty Empire magazine.

And I can see why the reviews have been mixed. In some ways, this is the greatest example of comic book adaptations ever put on screen. And, in others, it’s definitely a load of sentimental juvenile crap. Discuss.

Let’s see the case for the ‘awesomeness’. It contains some truly astounding SFX work. The creation of Sandman (Topher Grace) alone is worth the ticket fee. Never have tiny particles of dirt looked so lifelike, flowing into human form and performing stunts that look totally, unarguably natural. There are many-many fights, all created beautifully. The opening battle between Spidey and New Goblin is a spectacular treat, and things just get bigger from there!

As well as the SFX eye-candy, it’s also very funny. Jonah Jameson, in particular, is on top form as Parker’s newspaper chief. Bruce Campbell also cameos again to try and ruin Peter’s life. There were many cheers in the theatre when Campbell appeared, and I have to admit to looking forward to him most of all! Also look out for Ted Raimi, the director’s younger brother, in a side-splitting scene set in Jameson’s office.

The little character moments tend to work better than the overall story. It’s as though they tried to cram every idea they ever had into this ‘final’ part of the Spiderman Trilogy. This made an otherwise fun film far too long, and very awkwardly paced. The multiple of characters have the combined depth of cardboard cut outs, without the light-hearted charm of the previous two movies. In addition, there’s a weird moralising thread about one’s ‘dark side’ that entirely misses the spot. Peter Parker’s over-hyped ‘rebellion’ is nothing more than him being slightly less of a sap – and it’s played heavily for laughs. For example, a dance number, in Spiderman? It just about works, but it does give many critics a big stick of their own to attack this Spidey with.

The fact that I still can’t decide if I really like it or not proves that at least some of it was enormous fun – which it certainly was – but overall, it really clunks. A downbeat finish, with one-ending too many – means that this time Spidey overloads his web.

The short version is – I can’t love it, but I did enjoy it hugely til the very end.

Heroes – first half of season One

Heroes – The First Half of Series One
All week on the Sci-Fi Channel, UK

SPOILERS IN EXTREMIS
Please do not read if you intend to see Heroes when it comes to BBC2 – which is sometime this year, maybe once the Sci-Fi Channel run is over.

Just as I was losing faith that anything could come near replacing Buffy or Angel, we suddenly have a very strong frontrunner in NBC’s wonderful Heroes. It came to the Sci Fi Channel in the UK on 18th February, and has slowly worked its magic on my affections.

The most recent episode aired in the UK was ‘Godsend’, episode 12.
The UK Sci-Fi Channel are thoughtfully broadcasting a catch-up week from Monday 30 April, and this seems like a great time to go over what makes Heroes so damn good, before they air episodes 13-22 – and the nail-biting finale.

(Pictures with enormous thanks to http://www.heroesmedia.com/ unless otherwise credited)

The Best:

1. Hiro

“Yatta!”

Almost a titular character, his open enthusiasm and innocence about his powers makes his later appearance as ‘Future Hiro’ even more shocking, and extremely intriguing. He can bend time and space, even if at first he’s a little wobbly. He speaks adorable Japanese/English and tries his hardest to do the right thing. When he stops time he does this wonderful frowny-head-wobble. He also has a great, cynical mate called Ando, who keeps Hiro’s sweetness from becoming saccharine.

2. Vote Petrelli!

Brotherly Love

The brother who’s a hospice nurse and the brother who’s running for Congress. Peter and Nathan Petrelli are polar opposites, but have a very convincing brotherly bond, and they’re increasingly driving the ‘what happens next’ part of the show. Much Petrelli love here.

3. Claire’s squinty acting

The indestructible cheerleader, who’d figured out there’s a lot more to life, even before she found out her true powers. She’s pretty and smart, and saving her might save the world. She can also take a tree-branch in the head and come back to life once it’s removed, without a scratch on her. Hayden Panetierre is a seriously great actress, and she stood out even on the awesome Malcolm in the Middle (so worth watching for her mad hair). Calling it a ‘squint’ is probably highly unfair. The girl can definitely act!

4. The cool title introductions
Putting the title name on the floor of the school playground, for example.

5. Jessica

Jessica….you can tell because she looks like she wants to tear off your arms

Bad-ass alter-ego of the drippy Nikki. Ok, not someone you’d want to piss off, but she keeps it interesting and adds the required quota of extreme violence!

6. Isaac
Former junkie, learned to tell the future through his artwork and comics without getting high. Has increased his number of shirtless scenes, so, thank you NBC! He also has a name that Hiro pronounces as ‘Mystery Sock’ (from Television Without Pity recaps) which is so cute. Oh, and his eyes do this cool white-out thing when he’s doodling prophecies. Yes, a lot like X-Men’s Storm but without the drawn-out contract bitching. And he has a point to his character.

7. Claire’s Dad

Mr Bennett, AKA the horn-rimmed-glasses guy, is able to keep everyone guessing. He clearly loves his adopted daughter and will do anything to protect her, but he also answers to the shady Linderman, and doesn’t think twice about wiping the memories of Claire and her friends. But he did coin the term ‘Claire-Bear’, and captured the evil hero-killer, Sylar. So we like him a lot!

8. The Heroes Meet

The show was great when it started introducing the strange abilities and characters, and the care taken at the start makes our excitement in seeing their lives overlap all the stronger. By now we’re getting the hang of what makes these people tick, so watching them interact and figure out the intricate plot is pure pleasure.

9. Powers

Come on, it’s nice to see a show where people with powers are, in varying degrees, the good guys. They’re human, and they have flaws and shades of grey, but they’re also very likeable. Any freaking-out over their new abilities is allowable. This doesn’t make them freaks of the week, (I’m looking at you, Smallville) who go insane for no reason and need putting down (I’m still looking at you, Smallville) and instead treats the whole ‘superhero’ idea with some intelligence, and a true sense of adventure. And they’re not afraid to let them fly, either – although, ok, giving the tights a miss is a very good idea…

10. Awesome Comic Art

This ties in with Isaac, but they deserve their own section because of their graphic brilliance. They illustrate the story and offer really tantalising clues to what might happen next

The Worst:

1. Mohinder’s tedious voiceovers

They’re meant to be prophetic, but they’re getting boring and get ignored, and in my opinion the style’s a bit too similar to the one in Desperate Housewives. They cut back on this a bit in the last couple of episodes. Hopefully this trend will continue.

2. Skipping the plotHow did they restrain Sylar? He pulled pixie-Eden-girl through the enforced glass, and seemed to be back at full strength. What happened next?! It’s covered at bit in the comic on the NBC website, but it’s still silly that there’s no scene to clear that up. There are a few things like these and while it’s good to have more things to look at about the show, it’s hard to avoid spoilers that way (see point 4).

3. Matt’s Wife
Too much like Katie Holmes, and hopefully not due to stay. Psychic Matt’s wife has the same hangdog expression and guilt-trip persona. Her uncanny similarity is far too distracting to make her a good character, unless something drastic happens. But at least she isn’t Lana Lang.

4. Spoilers

It’s almost impossible to look up anything on this show without getting a face-full of next week’s plot. Yes, this article is included. The UK is about eight episodes behind at the moment, and the show hasn’t even finished! While it’s nice to be watching something at almost the same time as the US, it’s incredibly frustrating to get snippets of information you didn’t mean to read. I know, I know, I really should stop looking up pictures of Peter Petrelli…

5. Too many characters

( http://www.seenon.com/img/auction_nbc_heroes_main.jpg )

I know shows like Lost have made the multiple-character-show popular, and so far Heroes has avoided the many-many-many characters trap. At the moment we have just enough people, and the plot keeps rolling on, so I really hope that they shed extraneous cast members as they go – only not my favourites. And not too fast. And I hope they eventually change it all magnificently. Could the level of my expectation kill this show? Gulp.

In conclusion, Heroes has far more reasons to rock than suck – in this very scientific summary of its strengths and weaknesses. And in the meantime, please. NO ONE TELL ME THE END! Thank you *Scary Manga smile*!